…the parrots begin to jabber

This is what Willis was talking about!

Who decided these were cookies anyway?

While eating lunch today, something occurred to me.  I think we are being lied to or at least pandered to.  There are no fortunes in fortune cookies.  These are not fortune cookies!  I see vague ideas, lines from some 13 year old girl’s english paper, and slogans from those office sales posters.    

Let’s take a look at this term, fortune. *from dictionary.com

3 entries found for fortune.for·tune (fôrchn) n. 

1. The chance happening of fortunate or adverse events; luck: He decided to go home for the holidays, and his fortune turned for the worse.2. fortunes The turns of luck in the course of one’s life. 3. Success, especially when at least partially resulting from luck: No matter what they tried, it ended in fortune.

Well, let’s check out today’s “fortune”.  I took a sample of five little two inch windows into the course of my life.  I took these for two reasons.  One, my buddy here at work strong-armed these immigrants into giving us a big bag of these “cookies.”  I mean… we got alot of these.  Second, this friend is a successful graduate of the fat guy surgery that routinely kills fat people looking to become not fat people.  Being one myself, I’m not going to have her eating bags of these things when I’m around.  Let’s look at these oracles of truth about us.  Below are my “fortunes”.  

You are talented in many ways. –> Bullsh**

Our duty, as men and women, is to proceed as if limits to our ability did not exist.  –> Bullsh**

There is no greater gift than good health.  Cherish it always. –> Bullsh**

There is no time like the pleasant. –> Confusing Bullsh**

Out of confusion comes new patterns. –> Bullsh**

 I’m not saying that these aren’t cute sayings that shouldn’t be on every coffee mug that little catalogs with cute little sayings on coffee mugs have.  I’m saying that they aren’t fortunes!  I want to open a cookie from one of these places and see something useful like:

“Watch your neighbor, Ed. He’s been stealing your gas”

“You will get VD from Shirley”

“You will get carjacked if you drive down to Atlanta this weekend”. 

Those are fortunes.  Those are useful! 


July 24, 2007 - Posted by | social, What the...


  1. You forgot to list one of your fortunes……..you are an incredibly gifted writer/entertainer. Nice blog.

    Comment by LeAnn | July 24, 2007 | Reply

  2. Great Blog! Keep them coming!

    Comment by B | July 25, 2007 | Reply

  3. It’s me Chase’s chick!!
    send me e-mail,
    make me laugh.
    You very funny man…

    Comment by nakedchick | August 3, 2007 | Reply

  4. Fortune cookie say: man with funny blog give Jon Stewart run for his money. If he take money from Jon Stewart and Jon Stewart chase him;)

    Seriously, a deep topic which many of us will take up at our next Socrates Cafe. Look out for new cookies of depth and fortune, like: “You will be late for work Thursday. Make up an excuse now.” And, “Something is going to kill you. Be ever vigilant.”

    Comment by Kate | April 3, 2008 | Reply

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