…the parrots begin to jabber

This is what Willis was talking about!

This long, national nightmare is over!

www.TheSportsbean.com is back!  TheFullBug and his idiot buddy back in Oklahoma have enjoyed their 4 months off.  Please direct your browser that way for the best 4 minutes of your day.  Below are links to previous editions of a feature of the site, The Bean’s List. THIS is why Al Gore invented the internet! 







July 31, 2007 Posted by | social, Sports, Web brilliance, What the... | Leave a comment

They must know each other.

I got an e-mail at work last week from a woman that wanted a notebook computer carrying case. A case for a computer she has not ordered yet. I asked her if she needed the computers that I quoted. She said that she was afraid that the cases may not be available when she’s ready to order. Okay then. Fine with me. Kind of reminded me of a call I once took at American Paging from a woman that works at a nudist colony in Tacoma. She wanted to order another belt clip for her pager. I asked her where a nudist would clip a pager. She asked of it comes in blue.

July 29, 2007 Posted by | Wha had happened was..., What the..., What would you do? | 2 Comments

If they send me free ice cream, you can have some.

Dear people at Blue Bunny Ice Cream: 

Why is it when I buy your Neapolitan ice cream it’s always like 75% vanilla on top with hardly any chocolate? My wife says it all evens out as you get toward the bottom, but I don’t believe her. Can you check into this and get back to me? Also, is it okay to check it out at the store before I buy it?  Because they seem to hate that!

-Vincent Dry

July 28, 2007 Posted by | Spare time, Stupid complaint letters, Wha had happened was... | 1 Comment

The waiting is the hardest part

I got this e-mail at work from a friend of mine at the same co.  His comments are in bold print below. 

Sent: Tuesday, July 24, 2007 7:38 AM
To: [me and another buddy at work]
Subject: FW: thereto greater bewhisker

            I love getting emails like this in the morning

From: X
Sent: Monday, July 23, 2007 8:24 PM
To: Me
Subject: thereto greater bewhisker

Girls don’t like you? We have a solution. Viagra and Cialis will help you anytime. Buy Licensed and Quality Viagra or Cialis. Reproductive and ED problems solution

[some website]

Buy and get pills directly to your home.


I agree with him.  I love getting this crap at work, home, or where ever I get my e-mail (no matter how many accounts I have).  I’m not sure this one would help the guy they’re trying to sell to.  I mean if you’re an ass and women hate you (TheFullBug), I’m not sure cramming a handful of these things will help you.  That would more than likely lead to some frustration. 

July 26, 2007 Posted by | I'll take that punch in the face now, social, What the... | Leave a comment

Are you ready for some (real) football?!


What did I come home to tonight?  A letter from the good people at DirecTV and this poster thanking me for signing up for ESPN’s Gameplan.  The greatest woman in the world subscribed for me last year and I’m back on the wagon this year.  Nice slogan but every game does not count.  First game of the season?  37 days away!  Thursday Aug 30 at 7:00 on ESPN2 Tulsa @ UL-Monroe.  This game does not count for anything.  I will watch.  Next night? Navy / Temple.  Horrible. I will watch.  I will watch all of these games on a boat.  I will watch them with a goat.  I will watch these college football games, TheFullBug, I am. 

July 25, 2007 Posted by | social, Spare time, Sports | 12 Comments

Just did it

My Mom and Dad had two sons with different hobbies.  My brother likes to jog, read, run his business, and point at his degrees while talking about how great he is.  I like to make up crap (under the assumed name of an odd little dude from the town I grew up in) to complain about and send it off to companies to see what they will say.  So, we’re not really that different.  

Dear people at Nike,
I recently purchased a pair of your Air Jordan shoes believing 
all the ads. I am somewhat overweight and thought this may help.
Sadly, I am now just a fat guy that still can't jump with 
expensive shoes. Is this what you wanted?  What should I do now? 
-Vincent Dry
Response (Lisa) - 09:13 AM 
Dear Vincent,
Thank you for your recent Nike purchase. We are sorry to hear
that you are not satisfied with your Air Jordan's. We would 
like you to know that Nike footwear is technically designed 
to perform during specific athletic activities.  Unfortunately, 
they are not going to make you jump higher but they will 
give you the necessary support that you need while on the 
court. You may want to consider taking your Jordan's back 
to the retailer if you decide that they are not suited for 
your needs. 
Vincent, we appreciate the time you have taken 
to contact us and hope that you continue to think of Nike 
as a brand that represents quality.
PS: Have you checked out NIKE iD yet? You can make your own 
custom Nike gear and buy it online at [some website]

July 24, 2007 Posted by | Spare time, Stupid complaint letters, Wha had happened was... | 2 Comments

Who decided these were cookies anyway?

While eating lunch today, something occurred to me.  I think we are being lied to or at least pandered to.  There are no fortunes in fortune cookies.  These are not fortune cookies!  I see vague ideas, lines from some 13 year old girl’s english paper, and slogans from those office sales posters.    

Let’s take a look at this term, fortune. *from dictionary.com

3 entries found for fortune.for·tune (fôrchn) n. 

1. The chance happening of fortunate or adverse events; luck: He decided to go home for the holidays, and his fortune turned for the worse.2. fortunes The turns of luck in the course of one’s life. 3. Success, especially when at least partially resulting from luck: No matter what they tried, it ended in fortune.

Well, let’s check out today’s “fortune”.  I took a sample of five little two inch windows into the course of my life.  I took these for two reasons.  One, my buddy here at work strong-armed these immigrants into giving us a big bag of these “cookies.”  I mean… we got alot of these.  Second, this friend is a successful graduate of the fat guy surgery that routinely kills fat people looking to become not fat people.  Being one myself, I’m not going to have her eating bags of these things when I’m around.  Let’s look at these oracles of truth about us.  Below are my “fortunes”.  

You are talented in many ways. –> Bullsh**

Our duty, as men and women, is to proceed as if limits to our ability did not exist.  –> Bullsh**

There is no greater gift than good health.  Cherish it always. –> Bullsh**

There is no time like the pleasant. –> Confusing Bullsh**

Out of confusion comes new patterns. –> Bullsh**

 I’m not saying that these aren’t cute sayings that shouldn’t be on every coffee mug that little catalogs with cute little sayings on coffee mugs have.  I’m saying that they aren’t fortunes!  I want to open a cookie from one of these places and see something useful like:

“Watch your neighbor, Ed. He’s been stealing your gas”

“You will get VD from Shirley”

“You will get carjacked if you drive down to Atlanta this weekend”. 

Those are fortunes.  Those are useful! 

July 24, 2007 Posted by | social, What the... | 4 Comments

Lily! Lily! Grandpa’s raising taxes on New York City again! Hu hu hu hu (stomp, stomp)

Grandpa Munster?Grandpa Munster?Grandpa Munster?Grandpa Munster?Grandpa Munster?

I’m sure I’m the only one but every time I see (former NYC Mayor) Ed Koch on the bench on The People’s Court re-runs I can hear Eddie Munster running down the dungeon stairs asking for advice.  While I’m at it… White House press corps gal, Helen Thomas should make an appearance here somewhere.   

July 23, 2007 Posted by | Politics?, social | Leave a comment

I used ta do a little but a little wouldn’t do

If it’s new, I hate it.  I have just (in the past few years) “discovered” the Seattle sounds that I hated so badly in 1991.  Part of this is an influence from my old, decrepit brother and his musical, uh taste?  Six year olds should probably not have to sit in a Plymouth Duster and be force-fed ELO and Fleetwood Mac (Go Your Own Way: the greatest song ever recorded).  Thank you, 5.

I took this steady diet of Van Journeywagon to high school.  Having more in common with my teacher’s music choices than my classmates made me want to punch myself in the face over and over just to make the Young MC, Wang Chung, and Warrant leave my mind the morning after going to a high school party.  I remember thinking (at a Poison concert with a friend) that they sounded ridiculous with Kenny Loggins’ “Your Momma They killed the “radio star”Don’t Dance”.  

I was always a guitar guy.  So I would just wait for the occasional glimpse of a Van Halen video on MTV (*note to those under 30 years old – MTV was at one time a music network which is to say, they played music videos / see note at bottom).  What’s a guy to do?  Warrant, Motley Crue, Slaughter, RATT, and Winger were the flavors of the day.  Bands that I actually look back on with nostalgia and longing now that radio thinks I would prefer to listen to crap.

This would change.  Soon. –1988’ish.  I was a starter on the biggest high school in Oklahoma’s football team, my sister was not completely nuts yet, and family life was fine (from what they told me).  Because I would not listen to FM radio by myself, I was not in the loop.  Like I was going to hear Yngwie Malmsteen’s version of Spanish Castle Magic on the KATT in OKC.

Few was his name-o.  Travis Few had a cassette tape piled in with Whitesnake and Motley in his car.  I popped it in while he was in a store.  What the…?  Who was this?  Where did those drums come from?  This had the power of Zep III and the punk/thrash soul that those slobs, The Sex Pistols sing about but never played on their albums!  Who was making this noise?  It must have been from a movie or something.  I was in love!  These dudes were going to make a dozen albums and be bigger than Zeppelin!  I looked at their picture.  They were wearing jeans.  No spandex, No hairspray, no s***!  The guitarist played a Les Paul, and the singer had a heroin habit.  Rock and roll was back.  Thanks for the following, guys.

Here I am and you’re a Rocket Queen (oh, yeah). I might be a little young but Honey, I ain’t naive. Here I am… And you’re a Rocket Queen (oh yeah). I might be too much but honey you’re a bit obscene!

*music video –noun

a commercial videotape featuring a performance of a popular song, often through a stylized dramatization by the performers with lip-synching and special effects.

July 21, 2007 Posted by | Music, social, These made the man | Leave a comment

Psychiatric help 5 cents

Julie Lopez was in my art class in high school.  She was as good looking as her name sounds.  She told me that her boyfriend (that went to the new cross-town high school) was her “soul mate”.  “I am him and he, me”; she’d say.  I saw them at a party where he cheated on her.  She was upset and decided to cry on my shoulder that Monday during a watercolors lecture.  I told her that it was okay.  I actually knew him before.  He was in my 3rd grade class at Apple Creek elem.  My biggest memory of him was that he was the kid that sh** himself in the lunch line one day.  So, if “you are him and he you”… I figure you saved yourself alot of baggage there.

July 19, 2007 Posted by | social, These made the man, Wha had happened was..., What would you do? | Leave a comment

We could run in Jesus’ house

When I was a kid, I had a friend named Jesus Elezando.  This was a friendship built solidly on the fact that (while he was a little candy ass) he did have a HOT Mom, a race car driving Dad, and was the only kid I knew with an Atari system.  One day, Jesus took out some dolls.  He called them “action figures” but they were dolls.  He had a cop, a construction worker, an army guy, and one other… I forget.  Besides the fact they were all tanned muscular dolls.  They looked like the fargin Village People!  I can take only so much.  Hot Mom or not, I had to draw a line.  I saw Jesus at OU when I was 22 years old.  He was a French lit major.  There goes the nature/nurture argument.

July 19, 2007 Posted by | social, These made the man, What would you do? | Leave a comment

How do you tell a communist? Well, it’s someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It’s someone who understands Marx and Lenin. -Ronald Reagan

DutchPie gave me my current read early this Summer, The Reagan Diaries.  It is a page turner.  What a great life!  What a great man.  Standard operating procedure for most books with me is breeze throught it quickly then, read it again.  I will enjoy this one the second time around as much as the first, I’m sure. 

July 19, 2007 Posted by | Book Shelf, Politics?, social | 3 Comments

We-e-e-elll… la-de-freakin’-da! …is that Bill Shakespeare over there?

I ran across this pic last week while online.  This kid may be Farley! Farley

July 18, 2007 Posted by | Wha had happened was..., What the... | 2 Comments

If not us… then who?

I love the PBS tag-line above almost as much as I love paying for this crap.  Well, paying for it may not be the term.  I’ve never gotten a bill.  Wait! Yes, I do.  Every April 15.  Every time I hear the slogan, I think, A&E? The History Channel? Nickelodeon? Animal Planet? Discovery? All of these channels are making money based on fundamental market forces. Air programming that people are willing to watch.  *Enough people that advertisers will be willing to pay for their existence.  I suppose the Nixon administration was scared that I would grow up stupid and decided sometime before I was born that the government should get into the broadcasting business so a giant, effeminate yellow bird could teach me to read.

I only mention this because “Pie” is watching Antiques Roadshow.  Cool show.  I suspect that this would be a hit on any of the other networks mentioned above.  Then I hear; “Roadshow, brought to you by Subaru, Travelers Insurance, and Lunesta”.  So, I’m paying for this AND they are getting ad rev from corporations?  Sweet gig for them, I guess.  Didn’t Alex Keaton’s Dad manage a PBS station on Family Ties?  I know this because I wasn’t watching NOVA.  I prefer my propaganda the old fashioned way. Government funded mouthpieces.  Oh, wait… 

Big ups to Pie for the nod of the night.  “Lunesta? That’ll put you to sleep too.  Why would PBS accept advertising from a competitor?”  I love that woman!

July 18, 2007 Posted by | Politics?, social | Leave a comment

What Goes Around Goes Around

When I was five years old, I would play in the backyard when 5 and what’s her name were in school.  Between the hours of 9:00am and 3:00pm , the backyard was my domain.  Mom agreed to surrender one of Dad’s shirts and draw 5’s baseball number on it with a marker as a football jersey.  Pine cones were my shoulder pads and Rico was the defense between me and the house.  One day, before the game started, I decided to “be the dude” on that crummy local cooking show that Mom would sometimes have on in the kitchen while I was eating breakfast.  The biggest pine cone I could find, a stump (for a table) and a pile of picked tomatoes were all I needed for my “show”.  After grinding all the tomatoes with the pine cone, the show was over.  Let the football game resume!  That evening, as I stood by watching Mom yell at Rico for eating Dad’s tomatoes, I had a real look of disbelief.  Rico, when will she learn?

Last year, I had a dentist appointment in San Antonio, TX.  They kept me in that chair for what seemed like a week.  How long does it take to get back with some X-Rays?  While sitting there, I discovered the little car wash wand-looking thing beside the chair that squirts water.  So, I did what any responsible adult would do.  I picked it up and started squirting it.  I got pretty good at it.  I filled up a Dixie cup that was across the room in the trash.  I shot the poster of “Dr. Tooth”.  I shot the “To Tell The Tooth” picture of brushing techniques.  I shot everything that would not be noticed until I broke the hose off of the wand.  The lady finally came back and started the cleaning.  She struggled with the wand thing until her shirt was wet with the flow from the hose.  This ended with a thud from her slamming it down and an exasperation of: “Sylvia breaks everything she touches around here”.  I had a real look of disbelief.  Sylvia, when will she learn?

July 16, 2007 Posted by | These made the man | Leave a comment

Rocky Mountain High (probably). Colorado

You’re standing in a crowd of hundreds of other Mile-High concert-goers (having just stomached The Smashing Pumpkins) when The Red Hot Chili Peppers hit the stage. Lead singer, Anthony Kedis yells; “Hellooooo, Salt Lake City! I, I mean …Denvahhhhh!” Noting the fact that he corrected himself in that obnoxious rock and roll guy voice voice, you still boo with the rest of the crowd. Not because you were mad that some stoned SoCal’er didn’t know one cold-ass, snow covered Rocky Mountain town from the other… but because The Smashing Pumpkins sucked and you were pretty sure that they were going to as well. 

July 16, 2007 Posted by | Music, What would you do? | Leave a comment

One day at my parents house, I discovered that their phone number is one digit off from a local pizza joint

So this chick calls up. Cindy Beavers was her name.  She sounded like she was in a hurry so, when she followed my pleasant “hello?” with (sigh) “Do you think you guys can deliver in less than an hour this time?” I said; “Sure!” She ordered 2 pies (one with pepperoni and one with sausage and onions). I tried to up sell her some bread sticks. She said something about thinking it was called “Crazy Bread” and “no”. I tells her; “Look, sister, I work hard. I don’t need some soccer mom calling me up and telling me how to do my job. I don’t call you up at the PTA meetings and hassle you.” Guess it was a bad day or something at the Beavers’ because she came unglued. The only thing I understood was “I will have your job, you smartass!” At this point, the vision of Ms. Beavers of a slightly older “Mrs. 5” turned into a woman that looked a little like Nancy Culp. So, I tell her what anyone would. “Good, you can have it. Be  here at 7. That’s when my break is over and I want to leave early.” She hung up. Some people, man.

July 14, 2007 Posted by | What would you do? | Leave a comment

Sometimes my childhood sounds like “Deep Thoughts” from SNL

I once saw a bear somewhere around the Smokey Mountains Nal. Forest.  It looked at me while I was inside my parents green station wagon.  There were a lot of cars stopped taking pictures.  Dad got out and fed the bear some cheese.  My next line should be: Man, I really miss Dad …but the bear just ate the cheese instead of Dad.  I am so glad.  Because Dad later wound up paying for the college that I flunked out of.

July 14, 2007 Posted by | The Mick | Leave a comment